Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
