I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize