Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
