I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Randomize
