and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
