I wish I only lived at night.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
