Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
