Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
