I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
