Cold hands, warm shart.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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