im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
