Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize