Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
