I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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