do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
vagina is talking i cant
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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