Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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