Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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