Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize