i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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