you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
