Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
