she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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