Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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