I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
