I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
