Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
