I faked an abortion last night.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
