I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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