i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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