i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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