This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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