The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
