Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
We need a shit load of segways right now
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
