Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
