Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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