i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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