the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
