the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
