As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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