i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
