Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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