I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize