I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
