dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
