Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
