Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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