someone owes me an orgasm
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
