i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
