Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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