the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We need to get me chipped asap
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
