Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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