Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
