I'm going to jail i love you
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
