in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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