I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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