Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
