I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Randomize
