and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
