listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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