Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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