We named our party play list daddy issues
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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