ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
