Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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